WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
