I love black thongs
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I have tasted many bathrooms
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
