i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
