Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
