my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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