i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
