I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
