At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
