I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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