Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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