Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
