i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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