I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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