walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
