Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
