she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
