please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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