i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
