WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
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