You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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