I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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