I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
