That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
