Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
