Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
