I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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