just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
