my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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