Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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