i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
