Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Mom said you looked used
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
