I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
