If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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