i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
