So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
