Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
