I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
