I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
