you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
