i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
