1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
