I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
PANTIES FOUND
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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