why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
