I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just invented taco cereal.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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