Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
