That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
