dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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