Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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