Grow some girl-balls and come out already
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
