My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
