so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
