she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
