Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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