Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
