You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
