you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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