I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
