I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
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