no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
